Heartbeats

Update 11/12/2010: This post (obviously) no longer reflects my views. But I've decided to keep it as a record of my own personal road map.

So what's been slowly killing me this week?

*cough*

I mean, what's been on my mind lately? What is the concept that has been bugging me enough that I have to blog about it? Oh, right...relationships.

Hey! You might be groaning, but this isn't another rant. Okay, maybe it is. We'll see where it goes from here.

It was a while back, almost a year ago. I had taken a girl out to lunch, but I had no idea what I was doing the whole time. I was basically trying to improvise. Obviously, it didn't work out. But it was after that day that I realized that I had no idea what I'm doing when it comes to dating or relationships. Plus Joey, who at the time had just recently started a relationship with the girl who is now his fiancee, told me how after his last relationship had ended, he decided to wait to date again until he felt like God was leading him toward a girl. I took it to heart and decided I needed to wait. Not just for that, but also until I personally was ready.

So it's a year later. I have seen the good and the bad sides of love from observing my friends' forays. It makes me think a lot, really. What will happen when I'm faced with the bad?

I'll give you an example. I knew a couple before they broke up, both who were Christian. Each one consistently pushed the other to have...hmm, how do I put this...relations. Not necessarily sex, but pretty darn close. One would say, "Okay, we should stop." But sooner or later it would all loop around and the supposed stopping never happened. They finally ended...five months after breaking up. Oh man.

Now what would I do in this situation? I'd love to think I would remain strong. But I also know that I'm not always the role model for strength. Like I've said in the past, we never really know what we can take until we're in the heat of the moment. Sure, one can always say, "I'm done, I'm never going back." But it's when the devil comes back to tempt us that our resolve is tested. And a lot of the time...in fact ALL the time...the only way to win is to pray to God. He's the strong one.

It's temptations like that that make me wonder if I even want to go through the trouble. This is a question that's been on my mind for a long time: what's the point? I mean, when we die and go to heaven, marriage doesn't really mean anything, does it? But Biblically, love and marriage are what God intended for us. He made woman because man was lonely, right? And Paul once said:

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8, 9)

Paul was celibate. Meaning he wasn't tempted by the flesh. So not being married was easy for him. Not so much for the majority of the human population.

Along with this, I've been thinking about relationships in general. Hmmm. Would I be a good boyfriend? What about me would make some girl like me? Girls HAVE liked me in the past for whatever reason, this much I know. But why? I doubt it's the guitar playing; I'm no Alex Lifeson.

A lot of girls I know who are in relationships with guys go on and on about how their guy is "the best guy ever" or "so perfect in every way." I don't think I could take that kind of pressure. Not only that, I also have a hard time imagining some girl saying that about me. I screw up at things. Like, a lot.

Yes, I have self-confidence issues. That's another one of my problems.

Here's a question for you: is it bad that I can think of reasons why NOT to date pretty much every girl I'm even remotely close with? Obviously I'm not gonna list the girls or the reasons. But I don't know if they are valid reasons or if I'm just making up excuses.

And since I love random side notes, I'll give you random side notes: dreams. Lately I've been having various dreams involving girls. These could just be some kind of buried desires that I don't even know about to meet a girl playing with my mind, but it's happening so often lately that I'm left to wonder why.

Okay, first dream. This one I had a few weeks ago I think. I was at a water park. There was a rocket that people could ride. It would launch them into the sky. Now, a police officer came in all cocky and said it was illegal and dangerous. I tapped him on the arm and told him that I had made schematics for it at work. For whatever reason, he said I assaulted him and so I was arrested. I ended up handcuffed to a park bench outside the police station (weird, right?). So this one girl I know walks out of the station, having apparently snuck food out of it. She sat next to me and gave it to me. The whole time she seemed nervous. I think we almost kissed, but I can't really remember. Bare in mind that said girl is someone I don't even like. I hardly talk to her or even see her. Weird.

Then a couple nights ago I had a dream in which I was getting married to another girl who I'm not interested in. Oddly enough I was also the minister. I distinctly remember holding up a sign that said, "You may now kiss the bride," as I kissed the bride. Could you imagine being the minister at your own wedding?

Lastly, for whatever reason I walked into a classroom shirtless. I sat at my table and ANOTHER girl (who I'm also not interested in) said to me I should go tanning so I would look really good or something. It wasn't in a mean way (or at least I didn't perceive it that way). But this dream was just odd because I also remember Duck being there and a whole bunch of us starting to dance for some reason.

What's seriously weird about all of this put together is that I don't even LIKE anyone at the moment. At least as far as I can tell I don't.

So yes, I believe I have droned on long enough about this. So is this God saying, "Hey, it's about time for you to get out there," or is it my mind playing tricks on me?